What I've been up to

I'm not too sure where to start - it feels as though everything and yet nothing has changed and I'm feeling really positive and excited.

I'm sewing - anything and everything. Sewing doesn't feel like work - it's just big fun. I've started looking at my clothes and modifying them - taking things in, adding ribbon etc. I'm having so much fun it's unreal. It's a huge shift for me to let go of the idea of doing admin and just following the energy.

As we were travelling to our holiday last week I made a felt camera pouch with diamante and beads on it. While I was there I took up some cropped trousers and they are now shorts. I took a special notebook with me and I now have loads of ideas written down for more things to tinker with such as adding darts and a belt to my shapeless winter coat. While I was away I found a book on body shapes and how to dress them :)

I'd love to say that being near the ocean really helped to change things for me but I think that that was already under way. I woke up early most days and I went for a walk on the beach which is two miles long at low tide. Some days I was out there at 5.30. I took my trainers and ran/walked along the beach one morning. It's been a long-held dream of mine to run along a beach. And the earlier I got up the more often it was my own beach too! 

In the mornings we pottered about or went into the small nearby town. I found 4 sewing shops and heaps of material in charity shops etc. Every afternoon we went body-boarding for a couple of hours. It was sublime. Some days the waves were flat and others they were quite impressive (and tiring!) I just adore that translucent aquamarine colour as the waves start to crest. One afternoon the waves weren't up to much and I spent ages just bobbing about leaning on my board watching the gold of the sun drip onto the ripples. I'd call that meditation!

The exercise I had on holiday has really reminded me how much my body likes to move. And my food needs a revamp. It's boring and monotonous so I'm going to refocus and play with that too.

I've also started a new blog to share my sewing adventures - you can find it at:

 http://sewselena.blogspot.com/

It feels good to be connected again!

Gifts

I've been feeling as though I have a foot in two worlds - the world that I know and that is 'comfortable' and the world of possibilities, uncertainty and hope. 

I have been contemplating making the leap (ok, slow amble) over to the second world for a while now.  What's stopping me?  Well, that would be me LOL!  Where I am is 'certain' - I know how to live this life but I want more and the hope and possiblities keep beckoning me. 

One of the reasons I am where I am is down to money but I had an insight this morning while bumbling about in my purse for some change to pay for a drink for myself and my daughter.  These insights always seem to pop up when least expected! 

Anyway, it occurred to me that every one of us is blessed with a specialness that only we possess and that our gifts and talents are there to support us.  Duh!!  Why had I not thought of that before? 

So I may just think a bit more seriously about sewing - anyone need any curtains altering or a dress made? <grin>

There's always a bright side

I drove my mum to a hospital appointment the other day.  I left my house a little early so that I'd have plenty of time to get there so I decided to take the long route to her house for a change.  That long route took in a steep hill which just so happened to be entirely closed off for roadworks.  I did chuckle! 

Ok, no problem, I still have plenty of time in hand.  So I took the diversion instead.  It took me deep into the countryside down sleepy little lanes lined with moon daisies and may blossom.  I came across flower filled meadows and birds a-twittering. 

I live in such a beautiful part of the world and I don't always get to appreciate it.  But I did that day.

Fairytales

Many moons ago a little girl was born with sparkly blue eyes. She was smart and special, but that wasn't what she was told. Or how she felt inside. So, slowly but surely she started to hide her light so that nobody could see her.

Time marched on and she lost her way walking deeper and deeper into the forest. The glimmer of hope in 'weight loss' caught her attention. 'Surely that must be the right path', she said, 'everyone seems to be doing it'. So she followed that path for many years. Every time she lost weight it found her again. But losing weight didn't make her feel any brighter.

She lost days, weeks, months, years trying to find her way to the edge of the forest. She did not know which way to turn. She'd tried everything. 'There's just no way out', she sighed.

Then one day she stumbled across a book seemingly waiting for her beside the path. That book was to change her life and remind her of that little light inside. She started to do the food and something wonderful started to happen. She began to notice the birds singing and could see the sunrays through the mist of the morning. 'Surely they weren't there before', she asked quizzically, to nobody in particular.

Time passed and she travelled further and further down that path. It just felt right. Before long she could see that she was nearing the edge of the forest. It started to open up right in front of her very eyes. There was a sign in the distance which she could barely make out. It pointed towards the village of ‘Freedom’. She had made her way out of the forest!

On the way to the village she could feel the warmth of the sun on her face and she began to glow. She saw for the first time that she had choices, she had ALWAYS had choices, but it was so much easier to give her power away and stay small. That way she could not be held accountable. She had never listened to her *self* before. ‘What if I were to listen and find out what *I* really want’, she asked.

So she started to really listen. And take notice of what she wanted out of life. Not just take notice, but take action. She no longer hides in the forest as Freedom is such a beautiful place to live. And her big blue eyes have started to sparkle again.

To be continued…

Food Addiction - more proof

'Food addiction' was never taken seriously - until now that is.

New research has shown that the biochemistry of a 'food' addict is the same as that of another 'drug' addict - yep, they've got that one right - addiction is addiction is addiction.  People are talking about it, relating to it and passing it on.  Twitter is ablaze.  The media has taken the research and run with it.  At last!!!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/brain-activity-food-addiction-similar-addictions-study/story?id=13291191

But the thing is, it's not 'food' addiction per se - it's about 'sugar' and 'fat' addiction - the very same thing that Dr Kathleen DesMaisons has been talking about for the last 13 years. 

And 'food' is not the problem - food is the solution.

To borrow a phrase - there's nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Getting moving

My body's been telling me to get moving recently.  So I went for a bike ride.  It was a pleasant spring morning and I aimed for the almost-leafy country lanes.  A couple of pheasants ran across the road in front of me, a little startled.  I saw new-born lambs, goldfinches aplenty, bluebells starting to waken, primroses and daffodils.

I took a different route and ended up miles from home.  I loved how I could just take it in my stride and aim in the 'home' direction and find it again with a laugh and no hassle.  I shudder to think how I would have reacted pre-sugar detox.

I also love how I can be utterly flexible and just go with it.  That sure didn't happen in the past!!

Should, could, can...

Another interesting aspect of recovery that I hadn't realised before -

I've gone from 'should' through 'could' to 'can' and the latest, 'want to'. 

Never thought I would say that!

Being a sugar addict

I remember when I first saw this video - it moved me to tears, in fact, it still does.  I still remember that feeling of wanting, wanting the sugar/alcohol/whatever - knowing that it would make me feel 'better' (fleetingly) and then I'd be off on the roller coaster ride of mood swings, depression, highs and lows again.  Ugh.

I've always known that sugar is a drug and thankfully society and science is catching up.  It is very real. 

When I first started doing the food and I heard that sugar affects the same brain receptors as heroin I was blown away.  Of course it does.  That explains it.  The constant craving, the lies, the broken promises, the withdrawal.  Addiction is addiction.

But knowing that there is a solution to healing sugar sensitivity, sugar addiction, that actually WORKS, phew, that's kinda intense. 

Today the mood swings are gone, so is the depression, and the 'crazies', oh, and the bingeing.  Not to mention the cravings.  Or the weight fluctuations.  

In its place is a steadiness, a calm certainty that I can handle whatever life throws at me.  A confidence that everything will be all right. 

And I wouldn't swap that for the world!

Video by kind permission, Dr K DesMaisons

Allow your inner light to shine

I came across this the other day and was blown away by it.  I thought it was quite appropriate!

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

Author unknown

Opening doors

I swear I'm solar-powered - I have so much more energy at the moment with this wall-to-wall spring sunshine we've been having!  The daffodils are out, the cherry blossom is blooming and the birds are a-singing.  Ahhhhhh!

Ok, so perhaps it's not just the sun (serotonin) that's making a difference - it's probably that my beta-endorphins are sky-high right now too.  Yay for a balanced biochemistry!

I'm also noticing that I've been able to shed some of the pretences and barriers that I've carried around with me - you know, the ones that keep me 'safe' and shut me off from really living my life.  I feel as though I am able to relax and breathe and feel comfortable being who I am at long last. 

It feels as though the door is right in front of me and that I can choose to walk through it at any time.  And that's not a scary feeling - that's pretty darned exciting.

I never dreamed life could feel this good!

Making it happen

In January I wrote down a list of a dozen dreams that I wanted to make happen by the end of this year. 

One was to go to Maine again (when I didn't know how I was going to do that) - check, already done that.  Another was to find a 12-step face to face meeting that I was happy with - done that too.

In fact, there are 5 things that have already been ticked off the list.  And there are another 2 that I am actively working on right now.

Now, why am I able to focus on these dreams and make them happen? 

Outrageously I decided to email the list of dreams to myself.  That way I am constantly reminded of what I want to focus on.  When I have done something on the list I don't delete it, I move it to a new 'done' section at the bottom of the email.  And then I email the revised list once a week.

I'm having a blast!!

People are talking about sugar sensitivity...

Well, it can't be just me, surely?

I just discovered this wonderful blog post about sugar sensitivity and recovery - love, love, love it!!!

Face to the Sunshine

Journalling feelings

I remember when Kathleen talked about the 'f' word - that's right, 'feelings'.  Man, that was scary!!

I had spent my entire life avoiding feelings.  When I did experience them, I veered between overwhelm and anger on the one side and numbness on the other.  Didn't really have any other feelings that were pretty enough to take a look at.  I could only tiptoe into journalling when I saw it as a science project - what happens if I eat THIS?  It made it doable.  Oh, and the list of feelings in Your Body Speaks was a tremendous help too - I never knew there were so many different feelings LOL!

I've come a long way since then.  My feeling vocabulary has increased enormously.  Rather than feeling overwhelm and anger all the time, I'm feeling confident and clear.  Even content.  I think the fact that I've increased my veggies and browns is playing a big part in that.  And paying attention to Mr Spud too.

I never knew it could be so much fun to actually listen to my body and learn her language!! 

All right!

It'll be all right.  And if it isn't, it'll STILL be all right.

There was a time when I would have laughed at that phrase.  Can you not remember, Sparkles, those dark times when you would flare up at the slightest noise/look/whatever and the world would fall apart?  It didn't take a lot to dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor - all because I'd run out of milk or other such crime.

But the more I do the food, the more it's coming true.  And that's all right by me!

Home again, home again

Well, Maine was good - so gooooood!  I loved everything about it - the food, the company - oh and that beach :)  Well worth the 6,500 mile round-trip!

We meditated, talked, shopped and hung out.  It was incredibly restorative.  There was time for reflection and time for just being.  I swear time slowed down while I was there - we seemed to fit so much in without it being overwhelming.

Being home feels different this year.  To be honest, I think everything feels different right now.  I am very much in the flow and know that I can handle it - whatever 'it' happens to be.  I don't think I've felt like this before.

I'm sleeping a lot - I know it's not just jetlag LOL.  On the surface it looks as though we just ate and drew, but I think we did much more than that!

Recovery, and spending time with people who get it - you just can't beat it.

Choices

There comes a time in everyone's life when you get to make a choice.

The way it's always been or the way you want it to be.

Self

Crystalline, frozen in time
Entombed, enslaved
Barely breathing

Breakfast
Bingeing
Breakfast again
Journalling, listening in - where am I?
There is only us
Proper food, sugar free
Now the thawing can begin

The light, the warmth
Slowly, oh so slowly
Starts to glow and breathe new life
The melting; the glimmer of hope
The gentle beckoning of self
Come hold my hand, she says, it's safe
Safe to be, safe to breathe

A gentle nudge, a subtle remembering
Only a little at first
Joy glistens, faith grows
Opportunities abound
The barriers start to crumble
And tumble and stay that way

I'm here, she whispers,
I've been here all along, waiting for you
Why not sing your song?

Recovery

Numb, so numb
Lumbering from dose to dose
Checking out; avoiding life
Staying stuck
Nothingness.

A chink of light
A helping hand
A roadmap and support
People who have been there
People who understand.

The light grows
Recovery deepens
Choices expand
Life and tears start to flow

I am good enough
I can be free
Living rather than existing
Recovering my self.

A journey

There I was, heart in my mouth as I climbed aboard the train for the first time.  It was a big deal.  I had never travelled on my own before, so this was going to be interesting.  How old was I?  18 and travelling to college interviews?  Nope - my Dad took me to those - try twenty years later than that!

I left for the first Radiant Recovery Brits lunch in London full of trepidation but with more than a little help and persuasion from some very supportive step 7ers.  Thankfully, I was met by a welcoming committee - if I had had to negotiate the underground on my own I do believe I would have stayed at home that day.  I had such a wonderful time with people who 'get it'.

It's funny how doing the food allows horizons to be broadened.  Two years later I was in a taxi on the way to the airport.  I flew to Amsterdam on my own and then on to Boston with two fellow step 7 friends for a seminar.  I haven't looked back, well, unless my timings get a bit wonky or I start dreaming of gluten free bread that is!

It's a heck of a journey, but I'm so grateful for it!!

Giggles

Screech, screech, SCREECH - the incessant wail of the smoke alarm made sure it woke up the rest of the slumbering household, probably the rest of the street.  I'm running upstairs and down, opening windows and waving a tea-towel under the alarm to try to clear the smoke as adeptly as the giggles will allow.  I'm too short to reach the alarm to take the batteries out, but it clears.  And my stomach muscles and mouth still ache from chortling to myself.

I'd made an egg and bacon sandwich for my daughter's breakfast.  I hadn't even burnt it!  Humour.  That's not something I've always felt.  I remember if somebody would even glance at me a certain way I would dissolve into tears.  I would react to things rather than giggle.  A few years ago I would have gone into a depression and felt that the whole world was against me and I would hold onto that one incident as proof.  Not any more :)

Giggles.  Another by-product of doing the food maybe?

Radiance

I had a funny thing happen to me the other day and I had to ask somebody more qualified for a reality check! 

 

I had this real surge of energy which I was totally unprepared for.  It felt as though time had expanded and that I had 36 hours in the day rather than the normal quota.  My normal bugbear of housework was performed effortlessly without even having to think about it.  The day just flowed from one coincidence to the next. 

 

So, what was it?

 

Radiance, apparently LOL!  Sure, I've had glimpses of a 'can do' attitude here and there, but I have never experienced anything like that before <grin>.

 

Just when I think I know what it's all about - it gets better LOL!  THIS is why I am so passionate about the program.  THIS is why I do what I do.

 

Have a wonderful day!

Sometimes life just works!

When my biochemistry is balanced, life just works.  There's no huffing and puffing involved, no stomping and grumping - I just get on with what needs to be done.  I have a feeling that this is radiance or flow - I just love the days I can write 'bright-eyed and bushy-tailed' in my journal.

Take today for example.  I have decided that getting a part-time job would be a good idea.  So, I've already applied for two jobs today and will apply for another two later on.  No whining involved, no 'but I only want a job on MY terms' - I just applied.  If I get an interview then I can sort out the logistics then.  No worries.  And I have this real sense of knowing that everything will turn out precisely as it should - it's almost as though I've had a 'oh no!' bypass!

This was only possible because I started doing the food.  The food changed everything.  From grump to 'can-do', from bingeing to three meals a day.  It's a miracle, really.  Thank you, Kathleen DesMaisons!!

Remembering the dream

I was 10 years old when I knew.  It was a real lightbulb moment.

 

It happened on a school day.  Justin had just split up with Rachel - as you do when you're 10.  I remember going into the toilets and being aware of singing 'Breaking up is hard to do' quietly to myself.  I had no idea how that song had popped into my head.  I REALLY wanted to know how our brains worked.  I can still see it in my mind's eye - the spark of something beckoning. 

 

I held that dream until I was about 18 when I was applying for college places to study Behavioural Science.  But by then I was deep into sugar addiction and living off a daily dose of cookies.  Then alcohol.  But not both at once.  I fluffed my grades and stayed on at school for a bit. 

 

Instead, I fell into a job in insurance and stayed there for 11 years.  Then became a stay at home mum, hiding from real-life.  I spent decades numbly muddling through, trying to keep my head above water and not doing a very good job of it. 

 

It's funny, I never even realised that my dreams had evaporated until I'd come out of the other side.  Healing my sugar sensitivity has allowed those dreams to bubble up to the surface again along with 'Hope' and 'Possibility'.  It's such an amazing experience. 

 

I am now nearly half-way through a degree in Psychology.  It's taken a while to get here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Living the dream at last.

 

Being sugar sensitive

Ahh, Weight Watchers.  I remember that fateful day when I stepped on the scale (after avoiding them for a fortnight) and discovering that my latest uncontrolable bingeing had added on an extra 8.5 pounds.  Talk about shame.  But I was doing something about it, right?

I knew how to play the game.  I knew how to stick rigidly to the food plan and gloss over the fact that my eating was out of control (again).  I did not put a foot wrong.  I knew I could beat this.  The following week I stepped on the scales to find that I had lost 9 pounds - everyone thought I was wonderful.  But only I knew how painful that fortnight of downing bar after bar of Double Deckers was.  And I knew that there had to be an answer out there somewhere. 

But it wasn't all about the weight.  I had mood-swings that would rival Jekyll and Hyde (my colleague mentioned it one day and I hadn't even realised).  Depression ruled the day.  I was so lethargic it was unreal.  I felt worthless and had no self-esteem.  None.

I knew I had a problem with sugar (chocolate, white bread, sweets - you name it) and I could really relate to craving food that I didn't even want.  I could inhale a doughnut from 10 metres.  I went to the Doctor one day and was just told not to eat it.  But there was no way I COULDN'T eat it - it would literally hop into my mouth before I had even thought about it. 

I bought every self-help book going.  My bookshelf was groaning under the weight.  While perusing a bookstore to see if I could find 'the latest thing', I found a copy of Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  When I returned home I devoured it in one sitting - 'are you sugar sensitive?' it asked.  'Have you ever wondered why you can't say no to fattening foods or alcohol?'  I truly felt that the book was written about me and that I was the only one in the whole world feeling like this.  It seems that my body had a special sugar sensitive biochemistry that meant just saying no was not an option - AND IT COULD BE HEALED!!!

It took me a good five years before I started to work the steps.  You might say I took the scenic route.  But my life has changed beyond anything I could imagine.  I am no longer depressed.  I have self-esteem.  I'm starting to dream again.  I can eat three meals a day with no snacks or bingeing!  My default is happy.  All through doing the food!

Anyway, this is my journey to recovery and to finding my self that I scattered to the wind when I was too small to know any different.