A journey

There I was, heart in my mouth as I climbed aboard the train for the first time.  It was a big deal.  I had never travelled on my own before, so this was going to be interesting.  How old was I?  18 and travelling to college interviews?  Nope - my Dad took me to those - try twenty years later than that!

I left for the first Radiant Recovery Brits lunch in London full of trepidation but with more than a little help and persuasion from some very supportive step 7ers.  Thankfully, I was met by a welcoming committee - if I had had to negotiate the underground on my own I do believe I would have stayed at home that day.  I had such a wonderful time with people who 'get it'.

It's funny how doing the food allows horizons to be broadened.  Two years later I was in a taxi on the way to the airport.  I flew to Amsterdam on my own and then on to Boston with two fellow step 7 friends for a seminar.  I haven't looked back, well, unless my timings get a bit wonky or I start dreaming of gluten free bread that is!

It's a heck of a journey, but I'm so grateful for it!!

Giggles

Screech, screech, SCREECH - the incessant wail of the smoke alarm made sure it woke up the rest of the slumbering household, probably the rest of the street.  I'm running upstairs and down, opening windows and waving a tea-towel under the alarm to try to clear the smoke as adeptly as the giggles will allow.  I'm too short to reach the alarm to take the batteries out, but it clears.  And my stomach muscles and mouth still ache from chortling to myself.

I'd made an egg and bacon sandwich for my daughter's breakfast.  I hadn't even burnt it!  Humour.  That's not something I've always felt.  I remember if somebody would even glance at me a certain way I would dissolve into tears.  I would react to things rather than giggle.  A few years ago I would have gone into a depression and felt that the whole world was against me and I would hold onto that one incident as proof.  Not any more :)

Giggles.  Another by-product of doing the food maybe?

Radiance

I had a funny thing happen to me the other day and I had to ask somebody more qualified for a reality check! 

 

I had this real surge of energy which I was totally unprepared for.  It felt as though time had expanded and that I had 36 hours in the day rather than the normal quota.  My normal bugbear of housework was performed effortlessly without even having to think about it.  The day just flowed from one coincidence to the next. 

 

So, what was it?

 

Radiance, apparently LOL!  Sure, I've had glimpses of a 'can do' attitude here and there, but I have never experienced anything like that before <grin>.

 

Just when I think I know what it's all about - it gets better LOL!  THIS is why I am so passionate about the program.  THIS is why I do what I do.

 

Have a wonderful day!

Sometimes life just works!

When my biochemistry is balanced, life just works.  There's no huffing and puffing involved, no stomping and grumping - I just get on with what needs to be done.  I have a feeling that this is radiance or flow - I just love the days I can write 'bright-eyed and bushy-tailed' in my journal.

Take today for example.  I have decided that getting a part-time job would be a good idea.  So, I've already applied for two jobs today and will apply for another two later on.  No whining involved, no 'but I only want a job on MY terms' - I just applied.  If I get an interview then I can sort out the logistics then.  No worries.  And I have this real sense of knowing that everything will turn out precisely as it should - it's almost as though I've had a 'oh no!' bypass!

This was only possible because I started doing the food.  The food changed everything.  From grump to 'can-do', from bingeing to three meals a day.  It's a miracle, really.  Thank you, Kathleen DesMaisons!!

Remembering the dream

I was 10 years old when I knew.  It was a real lightbulb moment.

 

It happened on a school day.  Justin had just split up with Rachel - as you do when you're 10.  I remember going into the toilets and being aware of singing 'Breaking up is hard to do' quietly to myself.  I had no idea how that song had popped into my head.  I REALLY wanted to know how our brains worked.  I can still see it in my mind's eye - the spark of something beckoning. 

 

I held that dream until I was about 18 when I was applying for college places to study Behavioural Science.  But by then I was deep into sugar addiction and living off a daily dose of cookies.  Then alcohol.  But not both at once.  I fluffed my grades and stayed on at school for a bit. 

 

Instead, I fell into a job in insurance and stayed there for 11 years.  Then became a stay at home mum, hiding from real-life.  I spent decades numbly muddling through, trying to keep my head above water and not doing a very good job of it. 

 

It's funny, I never even realised that my dreams had evaporated until I'd come out of the other side.  Healing my sugar sensitivity has allowed those dreams to bubble up to the surface again along with 'Hope' and 'Possibility'.  It's such an amazing experience. 

 

I am now nearly half-way through a degree in Psychology.  It's taken a while to get here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Living the dream at last.

 

Being sugar sensitive

Ahh, Weight Watchers.  I remember that fateful day when I stepped on the scale (after avoiding them for a fortnight) and discovering that my latest uncontrolable bingeing had added on an extra 8.5 pounds.  Talk about shame.  But I was doing something about it, right?

I knew how to play the game.  I knew how to stick rigidly to the food plan and gloss over the fact that my eating was out of control (again).  I did not put a foot wrong.  I knew I could beat this.  The following week I stepped on the scales to find that I had lost 9 pounds - everyone thought I was wonderful.  But only I knew how painful that fortnight of downing bar after bar of Double Deckers was.  And I knew that there had to be an answer out there somewhere. 

But it wasn't all about the weight.  I had mood-swings that would rival Jekyll and Hyde (my colleague mentioned it one day and I hadn't even realised).  Depression ruled the day.  I was so lethargic it was unreal.  I felt worthless and had no self-esteem.  None.

I knew I had a problem with sugar (chocolate, white bread, sweets - you name it) and I could really relate to craving food that I didn't even want.  I could inhale a doughnut from 10 metres.  I went to the Doctor one day and was just told not to eat it.  But there was no way I COULDN'T eat it - it would literally hop into my mouth before I had even thought about it. 

I bought every self-help book going.  My bookshelf was groaning under the weight.  While perusing a bookstore to see if I could find 'the latest thing', I found a copy of Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  When I returned home I devoured it in one sitting - 'are you sugar sensitive?' it asked.  'Have you ever wondered why you can't say no to fattening foods or alcohol?'  I truly felt that the book was written about me and that I was the only one in the whole world feeling like this.  It seems that my body had a special sugar sensitive biochemistry that meant just saying no was not an option - AND IT COULD BE HEALED!!!

It took me a good five years before I started to work the steps.  You might say I took the scenic route.  But my life has changed beyond anything I could imagine.  I am no longer depressed.  I have self-esteem.  I'm starting to dream again.  I can eat three meals a day with no snacks or bingeing!  My default is happy.  All through doing the food!

Anyway, this is my journey to recovery and to finding my self that I scattered to the wind when I was too small to know any different.