Should, could, can...

Another interesting aspect of recovery that I hadn't realised before -

I've gone from 'should' through 'could' to 'can' and the latest, 'want to'. 

Never thought I would say that!

Being a sugar addict

I remember when I first saw this video - it moved me to tears, in fact, it still does.  I still remember that feeling of wanting, wanting the sugar/alcohol/whatever - knowing that it would make me feel 'better' (fleetingly) and then I'd be off on the roller coaster ride of mood swings, depression, highs and lows again.  Ugh.

I've always known that sugar is a drug and thankfully society and science is catching up.  It is very real. 

When I first started doing the food and I heard that sugar affects the same brain receptors as heroin I was blown away.  Of course it does.  That explains it.  The constant craving, the lies, the broken promises, the withdrawal.  Addiction is addiction.

But knowing that there is a solution to healing sugar sensitivity, sugar addiction, that actually WORKS, phew, that's kinda intense. 

Today the mood swings are gone, so is the depression, and the 'crazies', oh, and the bingeing.  Not to mention the cravings.  Or the weight fluctuations.  

In its place is a steadiness, a calm certainty that I can handle whatever life throws at me.  A confidence that everything will be all right. 

And I wouldn't swap that for the world!

Video by kind permission, Dr K DesMaisons

Allow your inner light to shine

I came across this the other day and was blown away by it.  I thought it was quite appropriate!

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

Author unknown

Opening doors

I swear I'm solar-powered - I have so much more energy at the moment with this wall-to-wall spring sunshine we've been having!  The daffodils are out, the cherry blossom is blooming and the birds are a-singing.  Ahhhhhh!

Ok, so perhaps it's not just the sun (serotonin) that's making a difference - it's probably that my beta-endorphins are sky-high right now too.  Yay for a balanced biochemistry!

I'm also noticing that I've been able to shed some of the pretences and barriers that I've carried around with me - you know, the ones that keep me 'safe' and shut me off from really living my life.  I feel as though I am able to relax and breathe and feel comfortable being who I am at long last. 

It feels as though the door is right in front of me and that I can choose to walk through it at any time.  And that's not a scary feeling - that's pretty darned exciting.

I never dreamed life could feel this good!

Making it happen

In January I wrote down a list of a dozen dreams that I wanted to make happen by the end of this year. 

One was to go to Maine again (when I didn't know how I was going to do that) - check, already done that.  Another was to find a 12-step face to face meeting that I was happy with - done that too.

In fact, there are 5 things that have already been ticked off the list.  And there are another 2 that I am actively working on right now.

Now, why am I able to focus on these dreams and make them happen? 

Outrageously I decided to email the list of dreams to myself.  That way I am constantly reminded of what I want to focus on.  When I have done something on the list I don't delete it, I move it to a new 'done' section at the bottom of the email.  And then I email the revised list once a week.

I'm having a blast!!

People are talking about sugar sensitivity...

Well, it can't be just me, surely?

I just discovered this wonderful blog post about sugar sensitivity and recovery - love, love, love it!!!

Face to the Sunshine

Journalling feelings

I remember when Kathleen talked about the 'f' word - that's right, 'feelings'.  Man, that was scary!!

I had spent my entire life avoiding feelings.  When I did experience them, I veered between overwhelm and anger on the one side and numbness on the other.  Didn't really have any other feelings that were pretty enough to take a look at.  I could only tiptoe into journalling when I saw it as a science project - what happens if I eat THIS?  It made it doable.  Oh, and the list of feelings in Your Body Speaks was a tremendous help too - I never knew there were so many different feelings LOL!

I've come a long way since then.  My feeling vocabulary has increased enormously.  Rather than feeling overwhelm and anger all the time, I'm feeling confident and clear.  Even content.  I think the fact that I've increased my veggies and browns is playing a big part in that.  And paying attention to Mr Spud too.

I never knew it could be so much fun to actually listen to my body and learn her language!! 

All right!

It'll be all right.  And if it isn't, it'll STILL be all right.

There was a time when I would have laughed at that phrase.  Can you not remember, Sparkles, those dark times when you would flare up at the slightest noise/look/whatever and the world would fall apart?  It didn't take a lot to dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor - all because I'd run out of milk or other such crime.

But the more I do the food, the more it's coming true.  And that's all right by me!

Home again, home again

Well, Maine was good - so gooooood!  I loved everything about it - the food, the company - oh and that beach :)  Well worth the 6,500 mile round-trip!

We meditated, talked, shopped and hung out.  It was incredibly restorative.  There was time for reflection and time for just being.  I swear time slowed down while I was there - we seemed to fit so much in without it being overwhelming.

Being home feels different this year.  To be honest, I think everything feels different right now.  I am very much in the flow and know that I can handle it - whatever 'it' happens to be.  I don't think I've felt like this before.

I'm sleeping a lot - I know it's not just jetlag LOL.  On the surface it looks as though we just ate and drew, but I think we did much more than that!

Recovery, and spending time with people who get it - you just can't beat it.

Choices

There comes a time in everyone's life when you get to make a choice.

The way it's always been or the way you want it to be.

Self

Crystalline, frozen in time
Entombed, enslaved
Barely breathing

Breakfast
Bingeing
Breakfast again
Journalling, listening in - where am I?
There is only us
Proper food, sugar free
Now the thawing can begin

The light, the warmth
Slowly, oh so slowly
Starts to glow and breathe new life
The melting; the glimmer of hope
The gentle beckoning of self
Come hold my hand, she says, it's safe
Safe to be, safe to breathe

A gentle nudge, a subtle remembering
Only a little at first
Joy glistens, faith grows
Opportunities abound
The barriers start to crumble
And tumble and stay that way

I'm here, she whispers,
I've been here all along, waiting for you
Why not sing your song?

Recovery

Numb, so numb
Lumbering from dose to dose
Checking out; avoiding life
Staying stuck
Nothingness.

A chink of light
A helping hand
A roadmap and support
People who have been there
People who understand.

The light grows
Recovery deepens
Choices expand
Life and tears start to flow

I am good enough
I can be free
Living rather than existing
Recovering my self.